as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
