And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
