Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
