My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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