i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
i think i just lost a toe
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
