I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED