Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Did you poop on the roof?
Is that a no?