forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS