The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Still dying that you shit outside
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
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