I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
23 Theme Park Employees Confess The Biggest Adult Tantrums They’ve Witnessed
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet