Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once