Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
These 29 Nasty People Went To The Bathroom In Public
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
19 People Who Had An Inappropriate Celebrity Encounter
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"