There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar