I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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