nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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