Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Randomize
