my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
