We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Randomize
