apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Randomize
