I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
