I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
