p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
