could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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