Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
