Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
We talked him into tasing himself.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
