My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
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