Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish