I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Randomize
