I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
