I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
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