go do what you do best...puke behind churches
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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