you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Dear god my vagina.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
