So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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