new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I love you.
Bad choice
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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