My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
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