Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
My vagina just recognized that song.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
The adults are the big ones right?
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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