Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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