I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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