____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
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