ugly people sure do ruin things
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
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