Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
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Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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