I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
