i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
