You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
