i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Randomize
