it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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