i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
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