If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
My vagina just recognized that song.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Randomize
