I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
One girl and one boy is just not enough.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
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