Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
