Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
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