we're chasing vodka with high fives
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
