Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
