We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
