I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
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