I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
