I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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