My friends, they love my intelligence
What did we do last night that was yellow?
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
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