What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Randomize
