Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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