This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
